As any Jolie-Pitt fan worth their salt knows, yesterday (August 23rd, 2015) marked a very special occasion in the lives of our favorite family: Angelina and Brad’s first wedding anniversary. In honor of the occasion, I thought it would be fun to look back on some of the crazy wedding and marriage-related rumors the tabs churned out in the near-decade between when Angie and Brad first got together and when they made it official. Unlike most of my other retrospectives, this one won’t include pictures. Obviously, if it did, they’d be pictures of tabloid covers- and I’m not about to make you guys look that garbage! 😉 It will also be much more “casual” in tone, that is, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on the “stories” more than saying stuff along the lines of “This is what happened in 2008”. So, let’s get this party started!
To start things off, let’s talk about one of my personal favorite J-P tabloid “wedding” stories- The fiasco that became known as “The Wedding that Wasn’t”. This, of course, occurred back in the early part of 2008, a few months before the twins were born. Star “Magazine” (a term I use very loosely here!), in their infinite wisdom, claimed that Angie and Brad, wanting to bring their newest little ones (of course, this was before Jack Black ever so helpfully pointed out that the J-Ps were soon going to count as many kids in their family as Carol and Mike Brady, but in tab-land it was already confirmed that Angie had two buns in her oven!) into a home with married parents, had tied the knot in New Orleans.
Great story, and on the surface it seemed plausible (after all, the J-Ps have made no secret of their love for the Big Easy, and at the time had a home there). But Star forgot one important fact: There was photographic proof of the J-Ps being in Texas at the time (not exactly surprising, considering Brad was shooting a movie there!). Now, Angie and Brad may be awesome, and they may be almost super-human, but even they cannot be in two places at once! So Star admitted their mistake, right? Nope! They didn’t even try to simply sweep it under the rug like tabs do most of the time. Instead, they paid a priest in the NOLA area to back up their story (the fact that Angie and Brad aren’t religious and therefore wouldn’t have been likely to be married by a priest making things all the more ridiculous!)!
I don’t know what’s funnier, that or this fact that was revealed a few days later: Star’s claim of their “eye-witnesses” having seen wedding preparations underway was legit- except that they were for somebody ELSE’S wedding (I about died laughing when I heard that one- and I’m sure the actual newlyweds did as well!).
Which brings me to the next thing I want to discuss. That case of mistaken identity was hardly the only time the tabs jumped the gun due to having seen something. They went wild with “reports” that Angie and Brad were marrying in Namibia shortly before Shiloh’s birth, mostly due to the fact that some family members and friends were seen flying into the country and some preparations for a celebration had apparently been noted. For some reason, it never crossed their mind that those things just might have been due to the BABY SHOWER that was thrown for the parents-to-be (which we unfortunately learned about via photos of said event being stolen- but that’s a whole different topic!)! There were also reports that they were marrying at Miraval back in 2012- spurred on mostly by sightings of furniture and other possible party items being delivered. Of course they couldn’t have just been new furnishings brought in as part of the extensive remodeling the J-Ps did, or stuff for one of the staff (obviously a winery can’t run itself!) or even a neighbor! 😉
Then there are all the hilarious rumors about WHY they were getting “married” all those times: To fulfill Angie’s mother’s “dying wish” (actually, I have to admit that that one was rather touching. It’s the fact that the tabs got super-dramatic about it that’s funny!), because Brad gave Angie an ultimatum (“Marry me or no more babies!” Now tell me, does that sound at all like Brad to you?!), because Angie “realized” that was the only way to “keep” Brad (talk about a stupid reason for marriage!), and my favorite, because MADDOX gave them an ultimatum (this was all the rumors were flying about the “Wedding that Wasn’t”, so Mad wasn’t even seven yet!).
And finally, let’s not forget all the PLACES the J-Ps were rumored to be tying the knot (I’m leaving out France since that one actually turned out to be true!): New Orleans, George Clooney’s Italian villa, London, various islands, a yacht, and even the hospital (there were rumors they had made “vows” to each other whilst Angie was hospitalized just prior to the birth of the twins, and I THINK there was also a “report” of them holding a ceremony at Angie’s mother’s deathbed)! Whew, I’m surprised none of the tabs ever claimed they got married in the middle of the jungle or in the air on their private plane or something! 😉